Seeing as I don't know what pictures to post to suit this entry, I'm just going to upload a random picture of me that's not necessarily related to this post at all.
I just came back from school, and instead of attending a lesson we actually had singing auditions! It was for some music video my school was going to film and they were looking for talents. It's compulsory if you want your attendance marked (my school is SUPER uptight about attendance) so everyone had to go through it.
It was quite a unique experience, there was excitement in the air as it buzzed with giggles and nervousness of students who had mixed feelings about the impromptu idea of auditioning your voice in front of everyone as they just stood there, all ready to objectify you and to judge whether you have talent or not.
I was nervous too. I mean, you don't just reach school feeling all lazy and reluctant and suddenly you're told to sing in front of a crowd. I don't know why I get stage fright, since I reckon I sing and speak pretty well but I suppose I'm always afraid of screwing up. I'm the sort of person who kicks myself again and again over situations whereby I felt I could have done better. If people were present to judge me and to remember it, even worse.
Turns out all that worrying was for nothing.
Surprisingly, or to be truthful not that surprisingly, I got picked for a role and it looks like I've accidentally signed up to be part of some "We Are The World" music video my school is going to produce soon. It's a good thing though, for the first time ever I feel like I'm actually participating in a school-related activity, even if it's just for some video.
I've never been one to be active in school, be it participating in lessons or mixing around with friends. I try to skip as much of it as I can.
I bumped into an old classmate at the recording studio, and we got talking. He told me that my old class missed me when I was gone. (I switched class) I told him not to lie and he had to convince me he's not. It's nice to hear something like that from a person whom you thought didn't care about your existence, even if it was said only to make you feel better.
Somehow, we ended up discussing "class politics" and I said I don't know very much about it since I distance myself from everyone.
He said, "I can see that"
There's something about the look in his eyes when he said that sentence made me wonder what kind of person other people think I am. Most of the time I really don't give two hoots, but I won't deny that at times I do get curious. Sometimes I feel regretful that I don't try to socialize very much with people at school, because it's heartwarming to see how close classmates can be but ever since high school, I've shut myself out from people around me.
Sometimes I envy people who have a thousand and one friends, because most of the time I feel like I have none. Sometimes I wish I could open up to people more, and try to find some good in them that would make me want to put in effort to be friends with them. Sometimes I feel lonely, and I feel like I've got no one to hang out with. Sometimes I wish I was like everyone else.
But as time passed, I realized that I am nothing like everyone else. Not implying that I am better than them in any way, but I just feel different. I am different. We are all different. And I don't want to try and fit in with the crowd.
I cannot go up to someone and smile at them and strike up a conversation just because they're my classmate. I'm not the sort of people who is friends with everyone.
I find it pointless to have small talk with people I honestly don't really care about. I know that the only reason why I am talking to them is because they are convenient conversations. They are people who happen to be stuck in the same classroom with me at school.
Sadly, they are nothing more than that and my assumptions are only proven right when holidays come and I realize I don't make any effort in staying in contact with them after lessons have ended.
I only want to be friends with someone whom I'm not making use of / someone who's not making use of me, someone who is not convenient but I would go out of my way just to be in touch with and someone whom I feel can add positive meaning to my life. Someone whose company I actually enjoy.
And I think I've realized just how hard it is to find that special someone.
I know I'm expecting a lot out of just a friend, you don't have to remind me. It's the reason I have so little. I think the ones that I do have, I can count with my fingers on one hand.
I can get along with people just fine, but I find it so hard to like someone enough to want to get to know them better, to feel like they are worth my time. I don't know if this may come across as being snobbish, but trust me, I wish things wouldn't have to be this way too.
I suppose I don't give people a chance, that's why I don't get any either.
Being the way I am has forced me to become comfortable with being alone. I used to be afraid of loneliness, but then I realized it really isn't all that bad after all.
It means not having to suck up to anybody I don't particularly like. And that's something I find very appealing about being alone. I get to do things my way, whenever I want, however I want. Most of the time I find that people are more trouble than they are worth.
Being alone doesn't mean I don't have anybody to talk to. The only people I want to talk to, I make damn sure I have plenty of contact with them, like Sam and family. The rest of them, I tend to forget about their existence, as they do with mine.
Sometimes I feel quite surprised that I have a fairly significant amount of blog readers. Because most of the time, the things I say in my blog are things people can't be bothered listening to in real life. It makes me wonder if there really are people out there who care about the littlest things I do or say, that makes them want to read about it constantly on a website that's poorly named "Underage-Girl"
I understand that one of the reasons I distance myself from people is because I feel like my opinions can't be accepted, and we're just not on the same level. The things that I find interesting, they find boring and vice versa. We don't laugh at the same jokes, we don't enjoy the same activities and most importantly, I'm afraid to offend people.
When I talk to people, I always find it to be a huge battle between the person I want to be and the person people would like me to be. A few years ago, some friends whom I used to be really close with called me a hypocrite because they said that I'm different from who I am in real life and on my blog.
I wanted to cry out to them, to let them know that who I truly am is what I am on my blog and even though they were my best friends, I just couldn't be who I really was. For that, I felt like they never forgave me and ever since then I've distanced myself from people.
I told myself that if my true opinions are so easily disregarded or not welcome, then perhaps I shall give no opinions at all. It's all, or nothing.
Till this day, I enjoy living in my little bubble filled with just my boyfriend and my family. Surround myself with only the things I love. I offend much less people this way, and I get to be 100% who I'd love to be. Say the things I wanna say, do the things I wanna do.
No more impressing other people or badmouthing them. No more insignificant conversations and no more having to keep up with other people's affairs. Once in awhile, a friend comes to talk to me and I'm glad to be reminded that I still have people I'm happy to call "friends" out there. The fewer, the better - that just goes to show how important they are to me.
I'm not saying that every single person out there isn't worth my time. In some cases, I have tried opening up to people I like but it looks like I'm not worth theirs.
Maybe one day I can bring myself to appreciate the beauty in other people. Find that there's much more to them I didn't know about. To stop being so quick to judge them.
But for now, I just like focusing all my attention on myself and the people close to my heart. As self-centered as it sounds, I like who I have become. I love the fact that I have no doubts about my opinions, no fears for standing up for myself because I owe nobody nothing. This way, I never have to apologize for being the way I am.
I love not having to answer to anyone for my actions. I never have to give a reason for what or when or why I do.
Maybe this explains why in recent times I only blog about Sam and Jess, Jess and Sam. I feel like he is the only one in this world who truly appreciates me. He accepts my flaws, my personality, my opinions and everything that comes along with it. I try to accept his, too.
In the future, if I am fortunate enough to find that special person I can call my best friend, I'll be sure to let you guys know.
xoxo,
Jess
