Flames to dust

I used to feel your fire

But now it's cold inside


Flames to dust

Lovers to friends

Why do all good things come to an end?



.
.
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We haven't gone our separate ways, well, yet.. but why do I get the feeling we're on our way there? People say that couples spend half their time together breaking up.


I don't quite know how to explain it properly.

But you know something's wrong when you lock yourself in your room, listening to sad songs and stifling tears, trying to seek solace in some form of writing while he chooses to ignore your emotions and prevailing problems.




A thin wall separates us but I feel like we are so far away.

When did we stop trying?


I guess to me, it was the day you chose to look away while I was crying instead of catching my tears. Or the other time (many times, actually) you walked out of the room instead of staying to talk things through.

I can't say this is new to me, but it hurts all the same. It's scaring me actually, will this be a cycle for all my relationships? I remember this happening exactly the same way it happened with the previous one.



At first, everything was about you. Anything you wanted in the world, he would run to the ends of the earth, to hell and back just for you. Then one day, mild disagreements happen. Soon after, comes rational arguments. Not long before heated yelling...

When heated yelling doesn't work no more, in time to come the arguments will just end abruptly with cold stares and hot tears. Well tears streaming down from my side at least. He never cries till I mention I'm leaving him. And I'm sickened by the fact that it's the only thing I can ever say to trigger a reasonable amount of reaction or response from him. I'm one of those girls terribly guilty of threatening to break up with their boyfriend but never get around to doing it. I know I shouldn't, because I get less convincing each time I say it again... but sometimes I do mean it, I'm just not strong enough to let go. I hate myself for being so weak-willed.




If you actually listened, for once, when I talk to you, maybe I don't have to resort to empty threats.

Why do boys never love you enough until you're walking away from them?




You blame me for always picking fights with you. Well it's better than being oblivious to the whole situation like you are. I'd rather trash out all my problems and at least attempt to solve them, than to just keep pretending everything is fine and dandy when I KNOW it's not. YOU know it's not, but you choose to do nothing about it. You don't care enough anymore.





I was just watching a Gossip Girl episode before, and something a main character said really hit me hard.

"No 2 people should spend 24 / 7 together, no matter how much they love each other."





I feel like a suffocating, trapped, married woman at 18..... technically 19 in September.

I see his face every morning, every night, I work with him (the most motherfucking frustrating thing I've ever done in my life besides math, he is so difficult) and I cook dinner too. I hardly do the things a normal teenager does. I miss having time to myself. I think we've both been working so hard that we've completely ignored our romance relationship.

I miss missing him.









I miss feeling excited about having a boyfriend. At the moment he just feels like a companion I'm used to having around in my life. By the way he treats me and the things he says, it seems he thinks less of me than a "companion". It's almost as if he can't stomach me, and I find this most puzzling.

I've never asked any of this from you. Well I may have hinted my desires but not once in this relationship have I demanded for your money, attention, time or commitment. Every move on your part was 100% voluntary. I didn't force you to quit your job, leave your friends and family in Melbourne to come live with me in Singapore.

If you're not going to give it your all, why are you even sticking around? No, wait, why did you even come here in the first place?! It's painful trying to avoid someone living under the same roof as you. And no, don't say you're trying because we both know you're not.




Give him a break, people say, because not every guy is willing to make that sacrifice. But pray tell, what is the point of closeness and physical touch if we can't even stand the sight of each other now?! All that closeness ever did was drive us even further apart.

The first time we talked, I had just got out of an abusive relationship after being trapped in it for close to 3 years, and you were the only friend there for me. You encouraged me to get out of it. You know perfectly how he treated me and you promised me a brighter future.

Why fix something, only to break it all over again?

You were everything I thought he was not, but tonight I look into your eyes and search desperately for the guy I've once known... he's nowhere to be found.





Perhaps this was all a huge mistake. We're constantly taking on more than what we can handle.

I mean, what were we even thinking? (we weren't)

Diving head first into a long distance relationship after 2 months, moving in with each other after a year and starting a business venture by the 2nd?

We might as well have set off a suicide bomb the first day we met because it's only a matter of time before everything we've ever built together blows up in our faces and comes crashing down on us. I can see the end before it's even begun.









Is it unfair for me to say I still love you.. but somehow, I'm just not that in love with you anymore?


xoxo,
Jess