I've been back from my Aussie trip since a few days ago.
But I've been putting off blogging for as long as possible, because I'm really not that thrilled to talk about this... I kinda want to pretend it didn't happen. But as soon as that thought reached my brain I felt a pang of guilt. What sort of horrible person goes on a flamboyant 2 week long holiday after her beloved hamster dies and completely forgets about it or denies it ever happened?
All pets should be remembered in life and in death. I'm so cut up about this because even though Pudding was only a hamster, he was my very first real pet. (I've had another hamster before this, but that one was shit scared of me for some reason so I gave it away soon after)
I've never had to deal with the loss of a pet before this. And I loved Pudding so much.
He died entirely too early... till this day I'm not sure what the cause of his death was. He wasn't sick or unhealthy. He was as fit as a tough hamster would be. He's only fallen sick once in his whole short life, and the day before he passed on, he was still prancing around like an energizer bunny and sprinting in his little hammie wheel without a problem. He seemed happy. He was ALIVE.
I'm beyond confused. I've always ensured a healthy, moderated diet for him and he wasn't fat and lazy like everyone elses hammies. He was always excited to play with me, any time, any day. Whenever I went near his cage, even if he was sleeping, he'd wake up and run onto his wheel (it's the place I lift him out of the cage from) or on to the top of his little castle because it's the highest point in his cage.
And I think that's what makes this so hard. I know that pets, like humans and everything alive, all die one day. I don't think I would take this as hard if I had seen it coming. Like if he was really old or seemed to have fallen sick. But I didn't expect my first pet to die, just like that, in less than a year.
I was expecting him to live for around 2 years.. supposedly the average life span of a dwarf hamster. But after doing some research online, it seems Pudding hamsters (that's his breed, yeah I am unimaginative with names) have shorter life spans because they're a relatively new breed. (?) I read up on unexpected hamster deaths and a lot of hamsters seem to drop dead for no apparent reason, ugh. Because they're so tiny it's really hard to tell what went wrong with them. It's not like I'm going to do an autopsy on my hamster right. One day they're healthy, the next day they're gone. :'(
I'm thankful I got to go on a nice long holiday right after it happened, helped me cope a lot better. Everyday was so jam packed with activities, I didn't have time to think about anything else. If I had to stay home every day and stare at his empty cage and think about how he's gone...
I don't think I would've handled that very well. (This was his cage 1 day after we got him so it was still rather empty, we loaded it with toys and other fun stuff afterward.)
It was past 1am when I came home late the other day.. (this was the night before I left for my Aussie trip) When I walked to my room, still completely oblivious, my brother asked Sam, "Have you told her yet?" and they both exchanged glances. I was confused but didn't think much of what that question meant. I thought it'd be something stupid like, "Have you told her you accidentally screwed up a cake order and you have a horde of angry tyrant customers under our block?" sort of thing.
But then they told me.
And the first thing I said was, "What? Are you serious?".. Assuming it's some sort of rude, sick prank my brother was playing on me.
I don't remember if I said anything else, because in my head, all I could think of was.. "No. What? No. No. What? How could he have died? He was perfectly healthy the last time I saw him, which wasn't too long ago. No. Just no." and I didn't burst into tears like I thought I would. I think I was in utter disbelief and I sat down for a couple of moments to regain composure, before walking stiffly over to his cage. I was all like, "Ok Jess, stay calm. Just a hamster. Possibly a bad joke. No need to overreact. Be cool." *takes really deep breaths*
But the moment I saw my cute little hammie just lying there, ever so still and lifeless, I couldn't help it. I sobbed silently into my own palms like a big cry baby.
It wasn't like Pudding at all to be so still.
I sat myself down next to the cage and lowered myself to view him at eye level. He wasn't breathing. He wasn't sleeping although he looks like he could've just been taking a nap. But I know Pudding well, and he doesn't sleep like that...
He has 3 sleeping positions:
1) On his wheel, with his head tucked under, lookin all angelic ♥
2) Just lying on some bedding, body outstretched and elongated.
Or, 3) his favorite position.... obscenely squashed against something. Be it his cage glass, or his food bowl, or anything he can find. How is that even comfortable??? Silly hamster.
Sam then walked over and started comforting me. Told me that Pudding was just found lifeless that afternoon while I was out with friends. No accident happened, he went peacefully (hopefully). "He does look at peace", I thought to myself. I hear gruesome stories of pet deaths all the time and am thankful mine wasn't anything like that.
After another 2 hours of sobbing and asking why's and how's, we buried the little fella in a nearby garden where he can rest in peace.
Sam made a box out of cardboard, we filled up the box with some bedding, laid Pudding inside with his favourite sunflower seeds and wrote a message on the box.. which I later on decided wasn't enough, so I ripped a page from my diary and wrote Pudding a letter.
I actually saw Sam cry real tears that night. (sometimes he fakes it to gain my sympathy when we have a big fight uh oh)
I'm not sure if it was because he saw me so upset, or because he adored Pudding like I did. But it made me feel a lot better knowing I wasn't alone. The last thing I needed was someone telling me I'm silly for crying over a hamster.
He even edited a video in memory of our little Pudding :')
The first part of the video is us singing along to the Nom Nom Song (it's a real song so don't judge us!)
The second bit is me teasing him... he'll do anything for a sunflower seed lol. He was so light that I could lift his entire weight just by having him bite down on a seed. And the last part is a long segment of Pudding falling asleep. (and me poking the glass to wake him up and laugh and he goes back to sleep and repeat process.)
Some of my fav pictures of him ♥
I miss looking at his sleepy face. I also miss stroking his soft, furry coat and poking his little nose. I miss taunting him with sunflower seeds because it fuels me empowerment issues :P
Whenever I felt exceptionally lonely, I'd go out to the living room and play with him for an hour, and I'd instantly feel better just having his little feet scurrying over my dress and seeing his greedy face lap up all the sunflower seeds. I could stare at him doing his everyday hamster activities for hours on end.
I lost count of how many toilet rolls he shredded up when he was younger!
I like holding him up high and looking at him from eye level. It's so different from looking down at a hamster via giant view, because if you view them at eye level you can realllyyyy see their adorable facial expressions.
I recently posted these... it's my fav pics of him :')
I like how he reaches out his little paw and holds my fingers when he eats. Sometimes he just sits in my hand and looks up at me sooo endearingly I could melt.
Many days I've slaved away in the living room making cakes and hearing him running about in his wheel and cage while making all sorts of noises. It made cake-making that much less lonesome and boring. Nowadays I don't sit much in the living room no more. It feels different and kinda empty. A few people have been in my house, seeing me going goo goo ga ga over his cage like an insane obsessed mother with a newborn baby... only they understand how much he meant to me.
Who knew a tiny hamster could make such a big impact on your life..
I miss you Pudding. ♥
I don't think I'm going to get another pet after this, so I'll always remember you as my first and my only pet.
Thanks for being such an awesome hammie, giving me and Sam hours and hours of laughter and entertainment. Thanks for never trying to escape or run away and for always being happy, it made me happy to know you seemed happy even though you never had any hammie friends to play with. Thanks for never biting me or squeaking or misbehaving. Thanks for making my friends and family squeal whenever they came over. Thanks for keeping me company when I cry at nights and when I'm bored out of brains in the afternoons.
I hope hammie heaven is filled with endless amounts of fresh, soft bedding and the highest quality of sunflower seeds that you can stuff yourself silly with.
I ♥ you my little furry friend, RIP.